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Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.