Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
mom had nothing to worry about
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Breaking news:
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.