@simoncholland

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@Gorrdano

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

@scootertheworst

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

@shutupmikeginn

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.