Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*