My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.