Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.