I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Livid.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.