interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
doing some research
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill