nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
medusa but her hair is an anaconda