I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
*watches the world burn*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?