If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I feel it
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.