If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
the noise i just made
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.