I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
WWE is French for “yes”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”