DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”