Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower