literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
🤣🤣
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal