Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Super Hand Dog Face
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Ugh but profoundly
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.