Catering service
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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this