If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?