Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.