“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
You Might Also Like
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?