Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
i did the math
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes