me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
work smarter, not harder
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*