Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday