I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
worst…sale…ever
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow