Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.