Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
All. The. Damn. Time.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’