The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*