I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.