Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy