[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up