My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
you have three unread messages
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: