today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.