Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”