I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust