Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.