*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.