Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
goldfish mafia
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!