When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
You Might Also Like
#CatsOnTwitter
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
the last thing a carrot sees
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.