35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Nice try, NASA
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃