date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard