6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
consequences, the bane of my existence
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*