My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
We avoided this particular disaster
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.