Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
how to exercise your calf muscles
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…