If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest