this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Hard not to take this personally
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.