*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.