Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
gentlemen, hear me out
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.