My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.