*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
i hate you platonically
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.