Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
6: are snakes just neck?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.