PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York


They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*



ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo


At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”


[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.


I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.


Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.


Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick


I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.