PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]![]()
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.