PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don鈥檛 want to be married to them.
I鈥檓 already scared
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it鈥檚 been isolating alone
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they鈥檙e so rude 馃槶
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips